{"id":1170,"date":"2025-06-03T13:30:32","date_gmt":"2025-06-03T13:30:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/?p=1170"},"modified":"2025-07-28T21:16:40","modified_gmt":"2025-07-28T21:16:40","slug":"secure-attachment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/2025\/06\/03\/secure-attachment\/","title":{"rendered":"\u0f04 Why it&#8217;s Harder to (find) Love When You\u2019re Secure?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Why Secure People Struggle in Modern Dating\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/x7Iu2bmEeBI?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-columns is-not-stacked-on-mobile is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-28f84493 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-column has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-block-column-is-layout-constrained\">\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color has-small-font-size wp-elements-ac7c0d1541573fe545ccf82a6401d800\"><em>** There\u2019s also a hidden pattern I didn\u2019t mention because I wanted to make it not too complicated; <strong>disorganised attachment<\/strong>, where anxious and avoidant traits combine in a way that can be especially confusing for securely attached people to recognise<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-column has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-block-column-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"flex-basis:5px\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-column has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-block-column-is-layout-constrained\">\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-spotify wp-block-embed-spotify wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe title=\"Spotify Embed: #971 - Adam Lane Smith - 13 Semi-Controversial Truths About Masculinity\" style=\"border-radius: 12px\" width=\"624\" height=\"351\" frameborder=\"0\" allowfullscreen allow=\"autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; fullscreen; picture-in-picture\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/embed\/episode\/7MQez2haIeefHLGltSwxb6\/video?si=c76e5300aa1a449f&#038;utm_source=oembed\"><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-c4a3ea9c905e84e774b5f7eff5f8e06c\"><strong>The article I wrote and referred to in the video<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Talking again to a client who is thinking something must be <em>wrong<\/em> with them because they can\u2019t seem to \u201cmake it work\u201d with anyone. Much of what he -and others before- were saying sounded so familiar. So I decided to get to the bottom of it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because they\u2019re not the ones ghosting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They\u2019re not love-bombing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They\u2019re not playing games.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They\u2019re <strong>just trying to be consistent<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And here\u2019s the strange part: most of them are actually <strong>securely attached<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They know how to stay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They know how to self-reflect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They\u2019re capable of both space and intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But they start to feel like the <em>odd one out<\/em>,  like maybe they\u2019re the crazy ones. They try to understand something that they can not, simply because they are not wired in the same way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because when you\u2019re secure around avoidant, anxious, or emotionally unavailable partners\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>you become the mirror.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And mirrors make people uncomfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And for me the &#8216;sad&#8217; part is that I see secure people become insecure. So I want to explain further what is going on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group is-vertical is-layout-flex wp-container-core-group-is-layout-fe9cc265 wp-block-group-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n<p>&#8220;But Bianca, what if the other is just not really into your client? That doesn&#8217;t mean this other person is not secure?&#8221; Let me say this: If you are secure and not into someone you will say &#8216;I&#8217;m just not that into you (anymore).&#8217; Clear communication is the &#8216;core feature&#8217; of secure people.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-27742e4cca63e652cd70bf2f51b42772\"><strong>Secure Doesn\u2019t Mean Detached,  It Means Emotionally Available<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Being secure doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re perfect. It means you\u2019re willing to sit with your feelings and communicate them without manipulating anyone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You are not afraid to ask clear questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You don\u2019t chase, but you don\u2019t shut down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You don\u2019t need constant attention, but you need <strong>emotional continuity<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You don\u2019t expect perfection, but you <em>do<\/em> expect to matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And that last part? That\u2019s where the trouble often starts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-6c1ada112a55e5bf7ec7045a5072fc74\"><strong>Inconsistent Contact? The Quiet Killer of Connection<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Secure people tell me a similar story:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cWhen we\u2019re together, it\u2019s amazing. We laugh, we connect, the energy is beautiful. But then\u2026 nothing. He disappears. Days or weeks pass without a word, and I feel myself detaching, not out of anger, but because I just don\u2019t feel fueled. And then he contacts me like nothing happened and tells me he really is into me and missed me. Even <em>if<\/em> it&#8217;s truly how he feels, and although it makes me feel sad, I can not (and do not want to) do this anymore&#8221;. <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>Secure people don\u2019t tend to dramatise this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They <em>try<\/em> to understand. They say things like: <\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cHe\u2019s busy.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s scared of intimacy.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cMaybe I was too much.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cMaybe I was too honest.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>They always <strong>start by reflecting on their own side.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because that\u2019s what secure people do, they check their part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But sometimes, what\u2019s really happening is this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><em>You\u2019re healthy. They\u2019re not (ready or honest).<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-289676bbf954eef26da30d7bf323efcb\"><strong>What Happens When a Secure Person Dates Someone Who Isn\u2019t<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When secure meets avoidant, the secure person offers openness, and the avoidant often pulls back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When secure meets anxious, the secure person stays steady and the anxious partner might spiral, not knowing what to do with the calm or glueing onto this person who is &#8216;the answer to everything&#8217;.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In both cases, <strong>the secure person becomes the anchor<\/strong>, but often ends up being dragged through emotional storms they didn\u2019t cause  and can\u2019t fix.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And eventually, they stop trying.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Not out of resentment but out of self-respect and because they don&#8217;t over romanticise the flaws of the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-b38bef8bb9b530d4223779c425283304\"><strong>\u201cBut They Said They Still Feel Something\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Yes. They usually do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But here\u2019s the difference:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><strong>Secure people don\u2019t confuse feelings with commitment.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>If you miss me but don\u2019t message me,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you care about me but don\u2019t show up,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you say you love me but leave me guessing,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s not enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And yes, we still feel something too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But we know what it costs to keep loving someone who can\u2019t meet us halfway. We will not pull because we do not need to hold on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We know that love, without <strong>consistency<\/strong>, is a self-abandonment trap. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-5818f221c601f4a4f3ca51af41512c39\"><strong>Are Secure People \u201cToo Much\u201d for Modern Dating?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Honestly? Sometimes it seems and feels that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because secure people:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 Ask clear questions<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 Expect emotional presence<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 Want repair when things go wrong<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 Aren\u2019t turned on by chaos<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 Expect a self evident, natural development of feelings and connection <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 Don\u2019t rely on push-pull dynamics to stay interested<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In modern dating culture, where someone else is around the corner and where ghosting, breadcrumbing, or \u201cvibes only\u201d is the norm, this can be seen as <em>too much<\/em>, <em>too much &#8216;work&#8217;<\/em>, <em>too intense<\/em>, or <em>too serious<\/em>.  Because secure people do not hesitate to ask the hard questions, instead of going into some kind of avoidant dance. And in a world in which &#8216;making you feel like the crazy one&#8217; means likes, follows and income, drama sells.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But here\u2019s what I keep saying to my clients, and to myself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p><em>You are not too much. You\u2019re just no longer available for too little.<\/em> <\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>Painful, sure! Secure People often come across like they are unshattered by it all because they often make the (rational) choice to call it quits. But just because they don\u2019t engage in drama doesn\u2019t mean it hurts any less.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-8db2d6f141c12b2fac1d0c7ada65d68f\"><strong>Do Anxious and Avoidant People Match Better?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Anxious and avoidant types often trigger each other in familiar ways, which weirdly makes it feel like \u201cchemistry.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s not that it works, it\u2019s that it feels familiar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Secure people break that cycle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And if someone isn\u2019t ready for real intimacy, that can feel threatening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So yes, secure people sometimes feel like the misfits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But it\u2019s not because they don\u2019t belong in love, it\u2019s because they belong in <em>healthy love<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And that takes longer to find.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-92de3ceafe55b6cb89360c6adf705abb\"><strong>We Don\u2019t Leave Because We Don\u2019t Care. We Leave Because We Do.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Secure people often stay longer than they should, because they believe in communication, in growth, in giving someone space to show up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But eventually, they feel it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>the quiet fade of energy, the slow erosion of trust, the steady disconnection that happens when the other person disappears one too many times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And they don\u2019t leave in rage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They don\u2019t throw ultimatums.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They just stop reaching out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They <strong>shrink the space<\/strong> until the relationship fits what it actually is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>And if the other person ever asks, \u201cWhat happened to us?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The answer is simple:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\">\n<p>\u201cYou were never fully in it, I just stopped pretending you were.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-custom-color-3-color has-text-color has-link-color wp-elements-b892660b6a7bd7d078d0526dfb9181b8\"><strong>Final Thought<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019re someone who knows how to love with clarity, presence, and care, but keep finding yourself alone, questioning everything, this is your reminder:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There\u2019s nothing wrong with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You\u2019re not broken.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You\u2019re just <strong>secure in a world still learning how to be<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Stay that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We need you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>Like to know more? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 <strong>Levine &amp; Heller<\/strong> \u2013 <em>Attached<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 <strong>Tatkin, S.<\/strong> \u2013 <em>Wired for Love<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 <strong>Fraley, R. C. &amp; Shaver, P. R.<\/strong> \u2013 Adult attachment in romantic relationships (University of Illinois)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 <strong>Bartholomew &amp; Horowitz (1991)<\/strong> \u2013 Four-category model of adult attachment<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u2022 <strong>Main &amp; Solomon (1986)<\/strong> \u2013 Original research on attachment patterns<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>** There\u2019s also a hidden pattern I didn\u2019t mention because I wanted to make it not too complicated; disorganised attachment, where anxious and avoidant traits combine in a way that can be especially confusing for securely attached people to recognise The article I wrote and referred to in the video Talking again to a client [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1180,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,47],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1170","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-relationships-interactions-with-others"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/2149125547.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1170","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1170"}],"version-history":[{"count":40,"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1170\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1274,"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1170\/revisions\/1274"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1180"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1170"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1170"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/flowprovider.com\/coaching\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1170"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}