** There’s also a hidden pattern I didn’t mention because I wanted to make it not too complicated; disorganised attachment, where anxious and avoidant traits combine in a way that can be especially confusing for securely attached people to recognise
The article I wrote and referred to in the video
Talking again to a client who is thinking something must be wrong with them because they can’t seem to “make it work” with anyone. Much of what he -and others before- were saying sounded so familiar. So I decided to get to the bottom of it!
Because they’re not the ones ghosting.
They’re not love-bombing.
They’re not playing games.
They’re just trying to be consistent.
And here’s the strange part: most of them are actually securely attached.
They know how to stay.
They know how to self-reflect.
They’re capable of both space and intimacy.
But they start to feel like the odd one out, like maybe they’re the crazy ones. They try to understand something that they can not, simply because they are not wired in the same way.
Why?
Because when you’re secure around avoidant, anxious, or emotionally unavailable partners…
you become the mirror.
And mirrors make people uncomfortable.
And for me the ‘sad’ part is that I see secure people become insecure. So I want to explain further what is going on.
“But Bianca, what if the other is just not really into your client? That doesn’t mean this other person is not secure?” Let me say this: If you are secure and not into someone you will say ‘I’m just not that into you (anymore).’ Clear communication is the ‘core feature’ of secure people.
Secure Doesn’t Mean Detached, It Means Emotionally Available
Being secure doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means you’re willing to sit with your feelings and communicate them without manipulating anyone.
You are not afraid to ask clear questions.
You don’t chase, but you don’t shut down.
You don’t need constant attention, but you need emotional continuity.
You don’t expect perfection, but you do expect to matter.
And that last part? That’s where the trouble often starts.
Inconsistent Contact? The Quiet Killer of Connection
Secure people tell me a similar story:
“When we’re together, it’s amazing. We laugh, we connect, the energy is beautiful. But then… nothing. He disappears. Days or weeks pass without a word, and I feel myself detaching, not out of anger, but because I just don’t feel fueled. And then he contacts me like nothing happened and tells me he really is into me and missed me. Even if it’s truly how he feels, and although it makes me feel sad, I can not (and do not want to) do this anymore”.
Secure people don’t tend to dramatise this.
They try to understand. They say things like:
“He’s busy.”
“She’s scared of intimacy.”
“Maybe I was too much.”
“Maybe I was too honest.”
They always start by reflecting on their own side.
Because that’s what secure people do, they check their part.
But sometimes, what’s really happening is this:
You’re healthy. They’re not (ready or honest).
What Happens When a Secure Person Dates Someone Who Isn’t
When secure meets avoidant, the secure person offers openness, and the avoidant often pulls back.
When secure meets anxious, the secure person stays steady and the anxious partner might spiral, not knowing what to do with the calm or glueing onto this person who is ‘the answer to everything’.
In both cases, the secure person becomes the anchor, but often ends up being dragged through emotional storms they didn’t cause and can’t fix.
And eventually, they stop trying.
Not out of resentment but out of self-respect and because they don’t over romanticise the flaws of the other.
“But They Said They Still Feel Something…”
Yes. They usually do.
But here’s the difference:
Secure people don’t confuse feelings with commitment.
If you miss me but don’t message me,
If you care about me but don’t show up,
If you say you love me but leave me guessing,
That’s not enough.
And yes, we still feel something too.
But we know what it costs to keep loving someone who can’t meet us halfway. We will not pull because we do not need to hold on.
We know that love, without consistency, is a self-abandonment trap.
Are Secure People “Too Much” for Modern Dating?
Honestly? Sometimes it seems and feels that way.
Because secure people:
• Ask clear questions
• Expect emotional presence
• Want repair when things go wrong
• Aren’t turned on by chaos
• Expect a self evident, natural development of feelings and connection
• Don’t rely on push-pull dynamics to stay interested
In modern dating culture, where someone else is around the corner and where ghosting, breadcrumbing, or “vibes only” is the norm, this can be seen as too much, too much ‘work’, too intense, or too serious. Because secure people do not hesitate to ask the hard questions, instead of going into some kind of avoidant dance. And in a world in which ‘making you feel like the crazy one’ means likes, follows and income, drama sells.
But here’s what I keep saying to my clients, and to myself:
You are not too much. You’re just no longer available for too little.
Painful, sure! Secure People often come across like they are unshattered by it all because they often make the (rational) choice to call it quits. But just because they don’t engage in drama doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
Do Anxious and Avoidant People Match Better?
Sometimes.
Anxious and avoidant types often trigger each other in familiar ways, which weirdly makes it feel like “chemistry.”
It’s not that it works, it’s that it feels familiar.
Secure people break that cycle.
And if someone isn’t ready for real intimacy, that can feel threatening.
So yes, secure people sometimes feel like the misfits.
But it’s not because they don’t belong in love, it’s because they belong in healthy love.
And that takes longer to find.
We Don’t Leave Because We Don’t Care. We Leave Because We Do.
Secure people often stay longer than they should, because they believe in communication, in growth, in giving someone space to show up.
But eventually, they feel it:
the quiet fade of energy, the slow erosion of trust, the steady disconnection that happens when the other person disappears one too many times.
And they don’t leave in rage.
They don’t throw ultimatums.
They just stop reaching out.
They shrink the space until the relationship fits what it actually is.
And if the other person ever asks, “What happened to us?”
The answer is simple:
“You were never fully in it, I just stopped pretending you were.”
Final Thought
If you’re someone who knows how to love with clarity, presence, and care, but keep finding yourself alone, questioning everything, this is your reminder:
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not broken.
You’re just secure in a world still learning how to be.
Stay that way.
We need you.
Like to know more?
• Levine & Heller – Attached
• Tatkin, S. – Wired for Love
• Fraley, R. C. & Shaver, P. R. – Adult attachment in romantic relationships (University of Illinois)
• Bartholomew & Horowitz (1991) – Four-category model of adult attachment
• Main & Solomon (1986) – Original research on attachment patterns