“We judge ourselves by our intentions, and others by their behavior.”
— Stephen Covey
Introduction: Why This Matters in Coaching and Life
In coaching, relationships, and leadership, miscommunication and conflict often stem from assumptions. One of the most transformative habits you can adopt is to pause and ask about someone’s intention before reacting to their behavior. This approach isn’t just compassionate—it’s backed by neuroscience and psychology.
Example: A Common Workplace Misunderstanding
Imagine a team member arrives late to an important meeting. You feel disrespected and conclude they don’t care. But if you ask, they might say:
“I’m really sorry, I stayed late last night fixing a client crisis and overslept.”
Their intent was to be reliable—even at a cost. But if you judged only the action (lateness), you’d miss the full picture.
The Psychology Behind Assumptions
The Fundamental Attribution Error
In psychology, we are prone to a bias called the fundamental attribution error—we tend to overemphasize personal traits and underemphasize situational factors when judging others.
Research by Ross et al. (1977) showed that people consistently underestimated the impact of context on others’ behavior, but not on their own.
This means that if you snap at someone, you excuse yourself because you were tired or stressed. But if someone else snaps, you may label them as rude or unstable.
Neuroscience: Fast Judgments Are a Brain Shortcut
The amygdala, a part of the brain involved in emotional reactions, helps us make quick decisions—often based on perceived threats. This was useful for survival, but it can sabotage communication in modern settings.
A 2007 study by Lieberman et al. (UCLA) showed that labeling emotions (i.e., asking what someone is feeling or intending) reduces amygdala activity and increases activity in the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, which is linked to empathy and reasoning.
In simple terms: asking about intention switches your brain from reaction to reflection.
Coaching Perspective: Creating Space for Curiosity
As a coach—or in your everyday interactions—you can model this mindset by asking:
- “Can you help me understand what you meant by that?”
- “What was your intention behind that decision?”
- “I noticed X. I’m wondering what your reasoning was?”
These questions reduce defensiveness, open up dialogue, and deepen trust. They also model emotional intelligence—a key factor in leadership effectiveness and relationship satisfaction.
Goleman’s work on Emotional Intelligence highlights that recognizing and regulating your own and others’ emotions increases success in work and life. Intentions lie at the heart of that recognition.
When to Ask—and When to Act
Of course, not all actions are excusable. But even when behavior is harmful, clarifying intention helps guide your response.
- If someone acted out of ignorance, you may choose education.
- If they acted with malice, you may choose distance.
- But if you never ask, you’ll never know—and risk overreacting or missing the chance to strengthen the relationship.
Final Thoughts: The Power of the Pause
Judgment is easy. Curiosity takes courage. But the pause between stimulus and response is where growth, clarity, and connection live.
Before you react—ask.
Before you assume—explore.
Before you judge—seek intention.
It’s not only more effective. It’s more human.