“I’m walking eggshells not to bother her with my presence but it costs me so much energy. Why is she not seeing that when she says she is so sensitive?”
The term “Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP), coined by Dr. Elaine Aron, describes individuals with a finely tuned nervous system who process sensory and emotional information more deeply. But not all sensitivity is the same. In practice, there are two very different expressions of sensitivity that often get confused: self-oriented sensitivity and other-oriented sensitivity.
- Self-oriented sensitivity is characterized by a heightened awareness of internal states—how a person feels, whether their environment feels “off,” or if something disturbs their inner peace. These individuals may quickly notice loud voices, bright lights, emotional tension, or subtle interpersonal shifts that affect them directly.
- Other-oriented sensitivity, on the other hand, reflects an attunement to others’ emotional landscapes. These people often pick up on unspoken needs, mood changes in a room, or the discomfort of others—sometimes even before those others are consciously aware of it themselves.
Can You Be Both Self- and Other-Oriented Sensitive?
Yes—and in fact, the healthiest form of sensitivity arises from an integration of both. When someone is self-oriented, they are aware of their own needs and emotional states. When they are also other-oriented, they are attuned to the needs and emotional climates of the people around them. These individuals can regulate their inner experiences while maintaining empathy for others—a powerful combination that fosters emotional maturity, strong communication, and authentic relationships.
But problems arise when one orientation dominates or when the two are unbalanced. Over-self-orientation can look like constant correction, withdrawal, or subtle criticism. Over-other-orientation can result in chronic over-giving, boundary-blurring, and emotional burnout. Each carries its own risks when disconnected from the other and when this occurs—especially in close quarters—a profound mismatch can occur.
The Energy Imbalance in Sensitivity Dynamics
Imagine a space shared by a self-oriented sensitive and an other-oriented sensitive. The self-oriented person might request quiet, emotional space, or changes to the environment to regulate their inner world. Meanwhile, the other-oriented sensitive—attuned to everyone’s well-being—starts adjusting their behaviour, monitoring their tone, suppressing their own needs, or even shielding others from the first person’s reactivity. Sometimes even without being asked to do so.
This can become a one-way energy flow: one person interprets, absorbs, contains, and adapts—while the other externalises their sensitivity as boundaries. The dynamic is often not malicious—it may not even be conscious—but it’s unsustainable. Over time, the other-oriented sensitive becomes emotionally exhausted, not from conflict, but from trying to manage someone else’s inner climate. This can lead to growing frustration and eventually pushback, as they begin to resist the emotional demands they place on themselves.
Empathy Isn’t Always Sensitivity—and Sensitivity Isn’t Always Empathy
Psychological literature (a.o 2020 study published in Personality and Individual Differences) supports that empathy and sensitivity, though related, are not the same. People can be emotionally reactive without being emotionally responsive to others. In other words: just because someone feels a lot, doesn’t mean they feel for others.
The Unspoken Cost of Walking on Emotional Eggshells
For the other-oriented sensitive, the experience can feel like a quiet suffocation. They may question their right to take up space, feel guilty for simple expressions like laughter or conversation, or suppress their own discomfort to avoid creating tension. Because they self-regulate silently and without complaint, they are often not recognised as sensitive at all.
Meanwhile, the self-oriented sensitive might actually be managing their own overwhelm the best they can—maybe without asking others to adjust explicitly. Similarly, the other-oriented sensitive may be burning out from unasked emotional accommodation—also without saying a word.
This is what makes the dynamic so invisible: both may be adjusting, but in very different ways. The self-oriented sensitive may believe they are the only one feeling deeply, while the other is in quiet, continuous response mode. Over time, this imbalance can lead to unspoken resentment, disconnection, and emotional fatigue—especially in relationships, workplaces, or communities.
Bridging the Gap: How to Create Mutual Emotional Respect
- Recognise the Dynamic: Awareness is step one.
- Reframe Sensitivity as Bidirectional: If you are highly sensitive, ask yourself not only what you need, but also what others around you might need.
- Drop the Silent Guilt: You’re allowed to speak in your normal voice. You’re allowed to have needs. You’re allowed to say “I feel drained” or “I need quiet too.” Remind yourself that empathy doesn’t mean self-erasure.
- Practice Metacognition: Become aware of the difference between your emotional experience and the emotional impact you have on others.
- Set Micro-Boundaries Early: These aren’t punishments—they’re clarity. If someone repeatedly corrects your tone or energy, you can say: “This feedback makes me feel like I can’t be myself. Can we talk about how this interaction can be positive for both of us?”
- Ask, Don’t Assume: Before asking someone to change their behaviour or adjusting your behaviour, pause and ask: “How are you doing in this space?” or “Is there anything you need?”
- Use Gentle, Clear Communication: Avoid mirroring passive-aggression. Instead, say things like: “I know you’re sensitive to noise, and I’m doing my best. But I also need to feel relaxed in my home/office.” “I notice that I’m adjusting a lot, and I want to check in about how we can make this work for both of us.”
- Don’t Take on the Role of Regulator: You are not responsible for managing another adult’s emotional regulation. You can be kind without taking ownership of their discomfort.
- Offer Reciprocity: Sensitivity should lead to connection, not hierarchy. Offering the same space to others that you need for yourself fosters trust and balance.
- Recognise Emotional Labor: If you’re often the one adapting, acknowledge it to yourself. You have a right to name that emotional labor—even if it’s silent—and to set boundaries that protect your energy.
- Choose Recharge Over Withdrawal: It’s tempting to disappear, especially when overwhelmed. But recharging doesn’t always mean avoidance—it can mean resetting your own space, schedule, or support system, so you engage from a grounded place.
Conclusion: Making Sensitivity a Two-Way Street
Sensitivity can be a gift, but it needs grounding in mutual awareness to avoid becoming a source of passive aggression or emotional extraction. When self-oriented sensitives learn to see beyond their own field of feeling—and when other-oriented sensitives learn to speak up for their needs—a deeper, more sustainable empathy becomes possible.
True sensitivity is not just about feeling more—it’s about feeling with.
(image by Freepik)