Relationships can feel like the most natural thing in the world—until they don’t. Some couples start with passion and connection, and end with conflict, miscommunication, and emotional distance over time. But what if the key to lasting love isn’t just luck or compatibility, but science-backed strategies?

Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman and the late Dr. Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist, have spent decades studying love from two different angles: Gottman from the perspective of relationship dynamics and conflict resolution, and Fisher from the lens of brain chemistry and evolutionary biology. Together, their research offers a roadmap for creating relationships that are both emotionally secure and biologically fulfilling.

Why Some Relationships Thrive While Others Fail

Gottman’s work, particularly his Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, identifies behaviors that predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy. These are:

1. Criticism – Attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing the issue.

2. Contempt – Showing disrespect, sarcasm, or superiority.

3. Defensiveness – Reacting to perceived attacks with excuses or counterattacks.

4. Stonewalling – Emotionally shutting down or withdrawing from interaction.

These behaviors create a toxic cycle, eroding trust and intimacy. Gottman’s antidotes—such as expressing complaints without blame, fostering appreciation, taking responsibility, and engaging in self-soothing—are essential for relationship longevity.

But understanding conflict alone isn’t enough. This is where Helen Fisher’s research adds depth. She explains that love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a neurochemical process driven by dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, shaping our attachment and attraction patterns.

The Brain Chemistry of Love and Conflict

Fisher’s studies show that different types of love—lust, romantic attraction, and attachment—activate specific brain regions:

• Lust (driven by testosterone and estrogen) fuels physical attraction.

• Romantic attraction (driven by dopamine and norepinephrine) creates excitement and obsession.

• Attachment (driven by oxytocin and vasopressin) fosters long-term bonding.

When couples fight, stress hormones like cortisol spike, reducing empathy and increasing defensiveness. Over time, if unresolved conflict dominates the relationship, the brain associates the partner with stress rather than safety. However, repairing conflict and reinforcing positive interactions can rebuild trust and even restore lost attraction by reactivating dopamine and oxytocin pathways.

The Two C’s: Commitment and Communication

To counteract the Four Horsemen and sustain love at both an emotional and neurological level, Gottman and Fisher’s combined insights suggest prioritizing two key elements:

1. Commitment: Choosing Each Other Again and Again

Love isn’t just a feeling—it’s an active decision. Gottman’s research emphasizes trust and commitment as the foundation of lasting relationships. This means:

• Seeing conflicts as obstacles to overcome together rather than reasons to leave.

• Prioritizing your partner’s emotional needs, even when it’s inconvenient.

• Expressing appreciation daily to counterbalance criticism.

Fisher’s studies reinforce this. Long-term partners who report high satisfaction levels continue engaging in novelty—trying new activities together, maintaining physical affection, and reinforcing the brain’s reward system.

2. Communication: Speaking to Connect, Not to Win

Couples who thrive don’t avoid conflict; they handle it differently. Gottman emphasises gentle startups (raising concerns calmly), active listening, and emotional validation.

Instead of: “You never listen to me!”

You can say: “I feel unheard when I share something important. Can we talk about it?”

Fisher’s research also highlights how personality differences affect communication styles. Some partners are high dopamine types (spontaneous, high-energy) while others are high serotonin types (structured, routine-oriented). Recognising these differences helps couples appreciate, rather than resent, their partner’s approach to love and conflict.

The Takeaway: Love is Both Art and Science

Great relationships don’t just happen; they’re built. By understanding the psychological and biological forces at play, couples can work with—not against—their natural tendencies. Gottman’s research helps navigate conflict effectively, while Fisher’s insights on brain chemistry explain why passion and attachment fluctuate over time.

The key is to nurture both connection and commitment, ensuring love remains a choice rather than just a fleeting feeling.

There is an incredible source of knowledge to be found at both their websites: Dr. John Gottman and the late Dr. Helen Fisher