Recently I came across a topic I was struggling with myself. I’m sensitive but rarely speak about it. I stay silent and just get myself out of a situation, or stay until I reach the tipping point and ‘smoke comes out of my ears’. People around me think I am invincible and can take- and process all. But this is actually not the case. So I dove into this topic to figure out what is going on.

Not all highly sensitive people express their emotions in the same way. Some vocalize their feelings and set firm boundaries, while others suppress their emotions and prioritise endurance. When these two types interact, especially within families, workplaces, or long-term relationships, misunderstandings arise.

The Expressive Sensitive openly communicates their emotional needs, assuming that if someone has a problem, they will say so. The Stoic Sensitive, equally sensitive but less expressive, absorbs emotional burdens without complaint, prioritising harmony over self-expression. Over time, the Stoic Sensitive may suppress their emotions so effectively that even they believe they are unaffected, until they reach their breaking point.

At that moment, when they finally assert themselves, they are often perceived as the aggressor. The Expressive Sensitive, used to being the one who sets boundaries, is caught off guard by the sudden intensity. This moment of rupture can feel like a betrayal, even though it was the result of long-term, silent endurance.

In this article I explore the psychological mechanisms behind these dynamics, how sensitivity can reinforce stoic behavior, and how both parties can navigate this dynamic more effectively.

The Two Faces of Sensitivity

According to psychologist Elaine Aron, who introduced the concept of Highly Sensitive Persons (HSPs), sensitivity involves deep emotional processing, strong empathy, and susceptibility to overstimulation. However, sensitivity manifests in different ways:

1. The Expressive Sensitive

• Clearly articulates their emotional limits: “I can’t handle this right now.”

• Withdraws or avoids overwhelming situations.

• Seeks external support when distressed.

• Appears fragile but is actually skilled at setting boundaries.

2. The Stoic Sensitive (that ‘s me!)

• Feels just as deeply but does not verbalize discomfort.

• Suppresses emotions to avoid burdening others.

• Prioritizes maintaining peace, often at their own expense.

• Appears strong but carries significant internal pressure.

While both experience sensitivity equally, they protect themselves differently, one through expression, the other through containment.

When the Silent One Breaks

In a relationship or environment dominated by Expressive Sensitives, the Stoic Sensitive may adapt by becoming even more stoic. Why?

1. Avoiding Emotional Overload

• When surrounded by people who frequently express emotional needs, the Stoic Sensitive may feel obligated to absorb rather than add to the emotional atmosphere.

• Suppressing their own needs prevents them from contributing to what they already perceive as an overwhelming environment.

2. Empathy-Driven Self-Sacrifice

• Research shows that highly sensitive people process emotions deeply and exhibit greater empathy (PMC4086365).

• This heightened empathy can lead to prioritizing others’ needs over their own, making emotional suppression feel like an act of kindness rather than self-denial.

3. A Learned Survival Mechanism

• Stoicism is often reinforced by life experiences. People who have been through repeated emotional hardship may unconsciously adopt emotional suppression as a coping mechanism.

• Research suggests that people who endure chronic stress or trauma sometimes develop avoidance-based coping, meaning they disengage from distressing emotions as a survival strategy (NCBI).

4. Rebellion Against Emotional Overexposure

• If a Stoic Sensitive has spent years in an environment where emotions of vulnerability are frequently expressed, they might develop an aversion to vulnerability, not because they lack emotions, but because they feel overwhelmed by this kind of emotional expression.

• This can lead them to reject behaviors they associate with “emotional excess,” reinforcing their stoicism further.

As this pattern continues, the Stoic Sensitive disappears more and more, emotionally retreating to protect themselves from becoming overwhelmed.

The Breaking Point: When the Stoic Sensitive Snaps

Eventually, suppression takes its toll. The Stoic Sensitive, after a long time of walking on eggshells and accommodating others, hits their limit. Unlike the Expressive Sensitive, who releases emotions regularly and naturally expects or requests those around them to adjust, the Stoic Sensitive stores everything up, so when they finally react, their response is often intense and unexpected.

How This Moment Is Misunderstood:

• The Expressive Sensitive, accustomed to the Stoic’s patience and ‘strength to endure all’, sees the reaction as an overreaction rather than the result of long-term suppression.

• Because the Stoic rarely expresses to reach ‘an overload’, when they finally do, it seems disproportionately strong.

• The Expressive Sensitive, used to being the one who sets boundaries, suddenly feels victimised, reversing the perceived power dynamic.

• The Stoic, who has spent years being careful and accommodating, is now labeled the aggressor, even though their response is a result of cumulative emotional strain.

This dynamic is often seen in long-term relationships, workplaces, and families, where one person has over-functioned emotionally for too long without acknowledgment. The resulting resentment, withdrawal, or emotional explosion can permanently damage relationships if not addressed.

How to Break the Cycle

For Expressive Sensitives:

• – Recognise that unspoken boundaries exist: Just because someone isn’t saying “no” doesn’t mean they’re comfortable. Pay attention to nonverbal cues like withdrawal, irritation, or exhaustion.

• – Ask, don’t assume: Instead of waiting for a problem to arise, check in: “Are you okay with this?” or “Do you need space?”

• – Balance the emotional dynamic: If you often express your needs but rarely hear theirs, invite them to share, making it clear their boundaries matter too.

For Stoic Sensitives:

• – Practice verbalising discomfort: Setting small boundaries early prevents bigger emotional breakdowns later.

• – Acknowledge your limits, even internally: Instead of pushing through everything, recognize when you’re feeling drained and take action before resentment builds.

• – Communicate before the breaking point: If you wait until you’re overwhelmed, the response may be explosive rather than constructive.

For Both:

– Mutual boundary awareness: Both individuals should check in with each other, rather than assuming the other person is “fine.”

• – Recognize emotional labor: Just because someone listens without complaint doesn’t mean they don’t need the same in return.

• – Normalise different expressions of sensitivity: Being outspoken about one’s needs is not inherently more sensitive than silently absorbing stress.

Conclusion

Highly sensitive people are not all the same. Some express their emotions freely, while others suppress them to maintain peace. Neither approach is superior, but when they interact, misunderstandings arise.

A Stoic Sensitive who has spent years accommodating others may eventually snap, not because they are less sensitive, but because they have carried emotional burdens alone for too long. When this happens, they are often perceived as the aggressor, even though their reaction is the result of long-term suppression.

The key to breaking this cycle is mutual awareness. Expressive Sensitives must recognize that some people won’t openly state their limits, while Stoic Sensitives must allow themselves to set boundaries before reaching their breaking point.

Sensitivity does not always look like vulnerability. Sometimes, it looks like silence. And that silence deserves to be heard, too.