Affection is often seen as an act of kindness, empathy, and love. When someone expresses how much you mean to them, showers you with admiration, or constantly tells you how special you are, it can feel good—at first. But sometimes, this kind of affection is not truly about you at all. Instead, it serves as a way for the other person to feel good about themselves.

These individuals often believe they are deeply empathetic and socially attuned, yet their interactions revolve around their own emotions, expressions, and experiences rather than genuinely connecting with others. This article explores the psychology behind this behaviour, how to recognise it, and how to address it.

The Illusion of Empathy: When Affection is Self-Serving

True empathy and connection involve mutual understanding—seeing and valuing another person for who they are, not just how they make you feel. However, some people mistake their own emotional expressions for empathy. They might:

• Constantly affirm how much they value you but never actually ask about you.

• Express admiration in ways that are overwhelming or one-sided.

• Share their emotions and experiences freely but rarely create space for yours.

This kind of affection is less about making the recipient feel good and more about fulfilling the giver’s need to feel emotionally connected, expressive, or even morally superior (“I’m such a loving, giving person”).

Why Do Some People Express Affection This Way?

There are several psychological reasons why someone might behave like this:

1. Expressing Emotion as a Form of Self-Identity

For some, being “loving” and “empathetic” is part of their self-concept. They take pride in how much they care about others, but their affection is more about reinforcing their identity than fostering real connection.

2. Lack of True Perspective-Taking

Empathy is not just about expressing affection—it’s about understanding and adapting to the other person’s emotional needs. But many people who see themselves as “very caring” actually lack this ability.

3. Affection as a Tool for Reassurance

Some people use affectionate language and gestures not to make you feel good, but to gain reassurance themselves. By showering someone with love and appreciation, they often expect (even if unconsciously) to receive validation in return.

Their admiration can feel excessive or intense because it is not just about you—it’s about getting a response. And you don’t reciprocate in the way they expect, they may feel hurt, as if you are rejecting them, even though their expressions were never truly about your needs.

4. Using Affection to Fill a Void

For some people, constant expressions of admiration or affection may stem from a lack of internal validation. Instead of feeling secure within themselves, they rely on external sources (such as their interactions with others) to define their worth. This can create a dynamic where the giver isn’t truly present for the other person but is instead seeking reassurance that they matter.

5. Insecurity Manifesting as Emotional Over-Giving

People who are insecure about their place in relationships may overcompensate by showering others with praise or devotion. This emotional over-giving can be a form of protective behaviour, where the individual seeks to secure the relationship by ensuring the other person is constantly reminded of how important they are. The underlying insecurity here is the fear of being forgotten, rejected, or not measuring up.

• They might believe that if they give enough love or admiration, the other person will affirm their value.

• The behaviour may also be motivated by fear of abandonment—the idea that if they stop giving affection, the relationship could fade.

In these cases, the need to express affection is less about the receiver’s needs and more about alleviating the giver’s own fears or anxieties.

How to Recognise This Behaviour by Someone Else

At first glance, this kind of affection might seem harmless—after all, what’s wrong with someone telling you how much they appreciate you? But over time, it can feel suffocating, one-sided, or even emotionally exhausting.

Signs That Affection is More About the Giver Than You:

✔ Their admiration feels excessive or dramatic—they frequently express how amazing you are, but in a way that feels over-the-top or repetitive.

✔ They rarely ask how you feel—the conversation is about their emotions, their appreciation, their experiences.

✔ You feel more like a sounding board than an equal participant—they talk at you rather than with you.

✔ If you set a boundary, they take it personally—they may react as if you are rejecting their love rather than simply needing space.

✔ Their expressions of affection don’t always match the context—they might pour out appreciation at times when you don’t feel it’s necessary, making it seem like a performance rather than a natural connection.

How to Make Someone Aware of This Behaviour

If you’re dealing with someone who expresses affection this way, it can be tricky to bring it up without making them feel rejected or defensive. Here’s how you can approach it:

1. Gently Shift the Focus to Balance the Conversation

Since these individuals often dominate conversations with their emotions, try subtly shifting the focus back to mutual exchange.

• Instead of just responding to their admiration, ask, “That’s sweet of you to say! But what’s something that’s been making you feel happy lately?”

• If they keep expressing how much they appreciate you, respond with, “I really appreciate that, too! But let’s talk about something fun—what’s been on your mind?”

This helps steer the conversation toward a more reciprocal dynamic without outright calling them out.

2. Set Boundaries Without Guilt

If their expressions of affection start feeling overwhelming, you’re allowed to set limits.

• If they constantly send emotional messages or affirmations, you can say, “I love hearing from you, but sometimes I just need space to process my own thoughts too.”

• If they unload too much emotional weight onto you, try, “I really value our friendship, but I don’t always have the capacity to take in so much at once. Can we talk about something else for a bit?”

This sets a boundary while still validating the relationship.

3. Directly Address It (If Needed)

If the dynamic becomes unsustainable, you may need to be more direct.

• “I love how expressive you are, but sometimes it feels like our conversations are mostly about your emotions and thoughts. I’d love for us to talk more about each other equally.”

• “I really appreciate how much you care, but I’d also love to hear what you think about my experiences, not just how I make you feel.”

This can help them realise their behaviour without making them feel rejected.

What If You’re the One Who Expresses Affection in a Self-Centered Way?

It takes courage and self-awareness to ask yourself: Am I expressing affection for connection, or am I doing it for myself? If you recognise that your way of showing appreciation often revolves around your emotions, your admiration, and your need to feel close, rather than truly engaging with the other person, it might be time to reflect on why.

Here’s how to recognize this pattern, understand the underlying drivers, and shift toward healthier, more reciprocal connections.

1. Recognising the Signs in Yourself

If your affectionate expressions are more about your own emotions than the other person’s experience, you may notice:

✔ You rarely ask about the other person’s needs or feelings in depth.

✔ You express admiration or gratitude often, but don’t check if the other person enjoys this.

✔ You feel hurt, confused, or even frustrated when your affection isn’t met with the same level of enthusiasm.

✔ You expect the other person to respond in a certain way (e.g., thanking you, reassuring you, or affirming your bond).

✔ You sometimes feel a sense of control or security when showering someone with love—it ensures their attention remains on you.

✔ You get anxious when you don’t get a response, and you might increase your affectionate expressions as a way to regain closeness.

✔ You feel like you give so much, but others don’t give back in the way you want—yet you rarely ask what they need.

If some of these points resonate, it’s not necessarily a sign of bad intent. But it does indicate a dynamic that can make relationships feel unbalanced, pressured, or even manipulative—whether consciously or unconsciously.

2. Understanding Why You Do This

This behaviour often stems from deeper psychological patterns, such as:

a) A Need for Validation

Do you feel unappreciated, insecure, or unnoticed in other areas of your life? Expressing affection may be your way of seeking reassurance that you are important, valued, and loved. The problem is that when admiration is given with an expectation of a response, it becomes more about your own need than about the person you’re admiring.

b) A Desire for Control in Relationships

Some people unconsciously use affection to maintain emotional control. By constantly affirming someone’s importance, you may ensure they remain emotionally invested in you. It’s a way to create a sense of security—if I keep showing love, they won’t leave.

This isn’t always intentional manipulation, but it can create an unspoken pressure on the other person to respond in a certain way, making the relationship feel transactional rather than organic.

c) An Addiction to Emotional Intensity

Do you find yourself drawn to emotionally intense relationships? Over-the-top expressions of love, admiration, and devotion may feel exciting, even necessary, for a relationship to feel meaningful. But real, lasting connections are built on stability and mutuality—not just emotional highs.

3. How to Shift Toward Genuine Connection

If you recognise this pattern in yourself, don’t panic. The fact that you are noticing it is the first and most important step. Here’s how you can shift your behaviour to create deeper, more reciprocal relationships:

a) Pause Before Expressing Affection—Check Your Intentions

Before you shower someone with admiration, ask yourself:

• Am I expressing this because I truly see and appreciate them—or because I want a certain reaction?

• Have I asked them what they need from me, rather than assuming they want my admiration?

• Am I making space for them to share, or am I filling the silence with my own emotions?

If your admiration is about your own emotional release, take a step back and consider whether the other person actually wants this level of intensity.

b) Ask Questions Instead of Just Giving Praise

Instead of saying, “You’re so amazing, you mean so much to me,” try shifting the focus:

• “How have you been feeling lately?”

• “What’s been on your mind?”

• “I love talking to you, but I realize I do a lot of the talking. What’s something you’d like to share?”

This not only balances the interaction but also ensures you’re actually connecting rather than just expressing.

c) Accept That True Connection is Mutual, Not Just Given

You might believe that giving affection freely is a selfless act. But true connection means allowing the other person to engage, rather than just offering nonstop validation.

• If someone doesn’t respond with the same level of intensity, don’t push harder. Let them set the pace.

• If you feel hurt by a lack of response, examine why. Did you expect a certain reaction? Did you need reassurance?

• Focus on building relationships where admiration is a two-way street—not just a way for you to feel close.

d) Learn to Sit With Discomfort Instead of Filling It With Expression

If you feel the urge to constantly remind someone how much they mean to you, ask yourself:

• What would happen if I didn’t say anything right now?

• Am I uncomfortable with silence?

• Do I feel anxious when I don’t get validation?

Being able to hold space for connection, rather than filling space with affection, leads to healthier interactions.

4. If You Recognise That You Use Affection to Control or Manipulate

If you notice that your affectionate expressions come with an unspoken expectation—whether it’s for attention, devotion, or reassurance—it’s important to acknowledge that and address it.

✔ Ask yourself if you feel anxious when people don’t respond the way you want.

✔ Be honest about whether your affection is freely given or if it comes with conditions.

✔ Consider how the other person might feel receiving this—do they seem overwhelmed, pressured, or hesitant?

✔ Practice stepping back and letting others come to you instead of always initiating.

Sometimes, these behaviors stem from deep-seated fears of abandonment or insecurity. If you find it difficult to stop, therapy or self-reflection can help break the cycle.

Final Thoughts: From Affection to Authentic Connection

If you see yourself in these patterns, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person—it means you have an opportunity for growth.

✔ True connection isn’t about how much affection you give—it’s about how well you understand and respond to the other person.

✔ If your expressions of admiration feel more like a need than a gift, it’s time to reflect on what you’re truly seeking.

✔ The most powerful relationships aren’t built on constant validation, but on mutual respect, balance, and emotional presence.

By shifting your focus from how much you express to how deeply you listen, you can move from self-centered affection to genuine, fulfilling relationships.

Would you like to have coaching do navigate this? Just contact me.