With millions of people actively dating in Europe and online dating booming, you’d think genuine connections would be easier to find. But attraction isn’t always about compatibility; often, it’s shaped by uncertainty, power dynamics, and deep-rooted psychological patterns. Dating today can feel like navigating a maze of mixed signals, emotional games, and shifting dynamics.
I hear often that —after a mutual expectance, attraction and liking is established— person A ‘shows up’ as a centered, kind, and self-assured person who values real connection, Person B loses interest, just because person A is respectful, open and kind.
This article unpacks why some people respond unpredictably to kindness, the science behind attraction and emotional discomfort, and how to navigate dating without second-guessing your worth. When you approach relationships from a place of strength, it’s not about chasing, it’s about choosing.
Why Some People Misinterpret Kindness as Low Value in Dating—And What That Says About Them
Did you experience this? You’re confident, assertive, and know your worth. You don’t chase, you don’t play games, and you don’t need validation. You’re also kind, because why wouldn’t you be?
** Important note: I’m not talking about kindness from an individual who prematurely invests emotional energy into a potential partner, attempting to accelerate attachment and commitment, bypassing the natural progression of relationship development, which can be explained by attachment theory and the brain’s desire for quick emotional validation.
And yet, you’ve noticed a pattern—after a mutual like, expectance and attraction is established—some people initially show high interest, but the moment you treat them with warmth and respect , their energy shifts. Suddenly, they seem less engaged, less curious about you, and act as if your kindness has lowered your value. Even more so, kindness from a confident and assertive person even seems to make more of a shift.
What’s going on? Is kindness a weakness in dating? Absolutely not. But the way some people respond to kindness reveals everything about them.
The Psychology of Why Some People Devalue Kindness
1. They Only Value What They Have to Earn
Some people operate from a scarcity mindset. They don’t see relationships as mutual connections but as challenges. If they have to chase, they’re engaged. If you show kindness, they assume you’re “too easy to win over,” and their interest drops.
This is their insecurity, not yours. They don’t trust that someone high-value could genuinely like them, so they only feel excitement when they’re proving themselves. Once they believe they’ve “won,” their attraction fades.
2. They Confuse Emotional Maturity with Neediness
People who aren’t emotionally mature mistake healthy warmth for dependency. They assume that if you’re kind and present, you must be trying to lock them down or impress them. They don’t know how to handle someone who can appreciate them but also walk away.
Kindness isn’t weakness—but for those who thrive on emotional chaos, it feels like something is missing when there’s no drama.
3. They’re Used to Power Games
If someone is used to relationships based on control, they might interpret your kindness as a shift in power. When they had to work for your attention, they were engaged. But once you show mutual interest, their ego tells them they should pull back to regain control.
The irony? The people who constantly play power games are usually the least powerful—because they rely on others to feel secure.
But what if someone truly just loses interest, “falls out of like,” or even “falls out of love”?
A confident, kind, and self-assured person—someone who values genuine connection and is respectful, open, and honest—will not engage in emotional games or leave things in ambiguity. Instead, they will express their feelings clearly and truthfully, whether that means shifting the relationship dynamic or moving on.
The Science Behind Attraction, Love, and Discomfort in the Brain
Attraction isn’t just about who we like—it’s about how our brains react to them. Sometimes, what we interpret as “chemistry” is actually our brain responding to uncertainty, emotional inconsistency, or even anxiety.
1. Dopamine: The Chemical of Uncertainty and Desire
Dopamine, the neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure and reward, is triggered not just by love but by unpredictability. Studies show that inconsistent rewards—like someone showing interest and then withdrawing—create a stronger dopamine response than consistent affection.
This is why people sometimes mistake emotional chaos for passionate love. If someone makes you feel small, uncertain, or like you have to prove your worth, your brain might actually increase dopamine production—tricking you into feeling more attached.
2. Cortisol and Adrenaline: Stress Feels Like Excitement
Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline heighten emotions, which is why roller coasters, horror movies, or dramatic relationships can create the illusion of deep connection.
This means that if someone makes you question yourself, doubt your value, or feel on edge, your brain might interpret it as excitement or even love—when it’s actually just a stress response.
This is why people sometimes feel a magnetic pull toward relationships that make them anxious, while feeling “bored” in stable, healthy dynamics.
3. Oxytocin: The Bonding Hormone
Oxytocin, the hormone responsible for bonding, is released during physical touch, deep conversations, and emotional vulnerability. But here’s the key: it doesn’t differentiate between healthy and unhealthy connections.
If you bond with someone who makes you feel uncertain, your brain will still release oxytocin—deepening the attachment even if the relationship is bad for you.
This is why self-awareness is crucial in dating: Are you drawn to someone because they make you feel safe, or because they trigger your brain’s uncertainty-reward system?
Why You Need to Be Firmly on Your Own Two Feet Before Dating
Dating from a place of confidence and wholeness means you’re not seeking validation—you’re looking for alignment. Before you date, you should be able to say:
“I know my worth whether or not someone chooses me.”
“I don’t need to be ‘chosen’ to feel valuable.”
“I recognise when someone is playing games, and I don’t engage.”
If you don’t feel this way, dating can become a search for external validation—and that’s when you’re most vulnerable to unhealthy dynamics.
How Coaching Helps You Build That Inner Strength
If you feel like you’re repeating patterns in dating, coaching can help you:
Identify blind spots – Why are you drawn to certain types of people? Are your patterns serving you?
Develop confidence – You won’t chase approval when you value yourself.
Recognise healthy attraction vs. trauma bonding – Learn the neuroscience behind attachment and how to break cycles.
Navigate dating with clarity – Know when to walk away and when to invest.
A great relationship doesn’t make you whole—it adds to your wholeness. Coaching ensures you’re solid in yourself before you bring someone else into the picture.
Coaching Through Dating: How to Stay Strong in the Process
Even when you’re confident, dating can be confusing. You might second-guess yourself, overanalyse texts, or feel frustrated by mixed signals. This is where coaching helps—because having an objective guide through the process means you won’t waste time on the wrong people.
What Coaching During Dating Can Help With:
Clarify communication – Playing games or communicating? Making assumptions or asking?
Emotional boundaries – What do you accept, what is a no-go.
Recognising self-sabotage – Are you pushing away great people due to past experiences?
Standing on your own two feet – To stand in your own center and keep you mind clear. Little example; ‘Are you texting to get a response?’
Dating should be about discovery, not proving yourself. With the right mindset and tools, you will slowly experience if the person in front of you is someone you like. I asked a coachee; “If his ‘job’ is to make you like him, is he doing a ‘good job’ or are you doing that ‘job’ for him?”
Final Thoughts: Own Your Kindness, Own Your Power
If someone devalues you for being kind, it says everything about them and nothing about you. People who mistake kindness for weakness are filtering themselves out—so let them.
Attraction should be mutual. Effort should be reciprocal. And dating should feel expansive, not confusing.
So if you notice someone pulling away when you show kindness, ask yourself: Do I want someone who only values me when I’m distant?
You already know the answer. And if you need help navigating dating while staying strong in yourself—coaching can make all the difference.
Want to Date with Confidence? Coaching Can Help.
If you’re ready to break patterns, trust yourself fully, and attract people who actually see your worth, let’s work together. Because your time, attention and energy? It’s too valuable to waste.
Like to book a session? Just contact me